me and doctor's don't mesh

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first check up for the pregnancy. I guess I wasn't excited because I was worred about the fetus not being viable becuase that's happend to my brothers's girlfriend a couple of times and I was just afraid. I was able to see the baby and the hearbeat and so far everything looks good. I did get a huge lecture because my sugar levels have been really bad. I've been trying to get them down, but no such luck. I know it's a huge deal having high sugar levels, but I'm not eating huge amounts of carbs or sugar and they are still high. The doctor did say that this was normal and that I had to increase my insulin and I've been diong that slowly. I also have to quit smoking and I'm working on that too. They told me not to just stop cold turkey and that I should cut back until I stopped. I was able to do that with my son but I didn't live with two other smokers at the time.

I've told almost everyone in my family and yes, I did get yelled at by my sister because she thinks I'm not responsible. She told me I could have waited a couple of years, but I'm 31 years old and diabetic. The older I get the harded it is on my body. If I had waited, things could be worse for me and the baby.

My daughter and I were talking about this whole thing and she's happy about it. She told me that she wants a girl because her little brother can be a pain at times. We were talking about names and I would like to use my twin sister's first name as a middle name, but I can't think of anything that goes with Mindy being the second name. Any suggestions would be great.

I'm off to Illinois on Saturday to see the Momma. She received her first round of chem last Monday and now we wait 21 days for the second round. So far she's feeling ok but not great. Her white blood cell count has dropped and I'm worried about the trip because my daughter is sick at the moment. I talked to the doctor and he said that if my girl is running a fever we should keep her away from mom. He said that she has an upper respitory infection and tested her for strep and I'm waiting for the test results. If it's not strep he said that she could be better by this weekend and we may not even have to worry about it. If it is strep then she will get some meds and should be ok by then with the anitbiatocs. I know my spelling is terrible, but you get the idea! I'll be back next weekend. Have a great week.

More Updates

Okay, I know it's been awhile, but I've just not really been up to writing about everything that's been going on with my mom and other aspects of my life. Also, it seems that every single time I go to actually write something down, my son decideds to make Mommy his personal play thing. Gotta love those kids. So, shall we get to how my mom is doing? Well, as I said on my last post, the trip home was strange, but we made it safe and sound. The day of my moms sugery things went well, but they were unable to take out the top lobe of her lung. When they got inside they found that the cancer was spread more than they orgianlly thought it was. See, not only was it in the top lobe, but a very small portion of it was in the bottom lobe too. And, the cancer was around her aortic vein going to the heart. So, now she is considered unoperable.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this because now she has to do chemo and raidiation treatments. I've been told that anyone who has this kind of cancer usually does not live past five years at the most. I'm hoping that she will beat the odds, but from what I've been told she could have as little as a year. I've been very sad for the last few weeks. My guy is pretty sure that I'm depressed and I think that maybe I am. I don't want to do anything but hang around home and watch t.v.

Next week we are going back to Illinois to spend spring break with my mom and I'm thinking about spending a good portion of the summer up there as well. The only problem is that a few weeks ago I found out that I'm pregnant. This makes things a little bit more complicated as far as traveling and doctor's appointments go. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I know that I want to spend as much time with my mom as I can, but I still have to make sure that I'm taken care of too.

I've told a few people but not everyone because everytime anything happens in my life I have certian family members who think I've screwed up my life more and that all I ever do is make mistakes. I live my life for myself and not them, but it's hard when they make me feel like crap because I'm living my life differently than they do. No, I don't have a college degree and no I'm not married and yes, I do have two children with one on the way, but why is that so bad?

I think this is why I didn't want to write on this thing because I'm just not ready to deal with all of the stuff going on in my life. I know it will be ok, but I just have to give it time and realize that what does not kill me will make me stronger.

News

I arrived in Illinois a week ago today. The trip up here was interesting and should have given me a clue as to how the rest of the time spent here was going to be. I'm not sure interesting is the right word, but the visit is still not over and I really wonder what's around the corner. We left Texas last Friday around 1pm. The first part of the trip went fairly well and we arrived in Oklohoma at 8pm. There were some bad snow storms heading our way and were supposed to hit around midnight so we decided to pick up our Aunt and keep driving instead of spending the night. We left at 10 to start our trip to Illinois. The roads were not icy so we made good time so we decided to try to stop and get some sleep around 1A.M. Of course, the week before a huge ice storm hit Missouri and all of the hotels in the state were full because thousands of people were without power and hundreds of out of state electricians were also staying in the hotels too.

Finally at 3am we found a room so that we could get a few hours of sleep. We were back on the road by 8am that next morning. Needless to say, we didn't get much sleep, but luckly we didn't have to drive all night. The first few days we were here we basically spent time with the family and hung out. All was good. Then Tuesday rolled around. This was the day of my mom's sugery. We arrived at the hospital a few minutes before she went in to see her. She looked good and seemed to be in good spirits. The sugery was going to be in two parts.

Opps, I've got to go...I will finish this at a later time.

Brrrrrrr

Ok, I moved away from Illinois to get away from snow and ice but more importantly, the cold. I hate cold weather. It suck and the south should not be allowed to get this darn cold. It's 30 out right now and that's just not right for the daytime.

I was supposed to leave on Friday to go home. My mom has lung cancer. We just found out about it right before christmas. She's staing positive which is really good and she wants to fight it with all of her will. We've had some good news so far. We won't know how bad it is until Tuesday when she goes in for an operation. Thats when we find out if it has spread to her lymp nodes. If it's spread, then well, we all know thats not good news and we don't want to go there. If it has not spread, then they are going to take out the lobe of the lung that the cancer is in and I believe her chances are better. Of course I have not talked to a doctor, but everyone is acting like it's no big deal.

It is a big deal and I'm trying so hard not to feak out and be upset because it just wastes time and effort. I'm trying to stay positive, but not more than two years ago I had an uncle who found out he had cancer in October and by January he was gone. His was a very rare kind of cancer that the doctor's didn't even know how to treat and it was very fast acting. My moms is the slow growing kind which is even better for her chances, but from what I understand the tumor is huge and that's why they want to take out the entire lobe.

Anyways, at some point I will be leaving for Illinois as soon as the weather calms down. I am going to try to post while I'm home but I'm not sure how busy I will be considering I will be trying to take care of my mom. I'm also not sure how long I will be gone. I'm leaving both of my children here and it's going to kill me to be away from them. So, hopefully I won't be gone for more than a couple of weeks. Keeps us in you prayers please!

ahhh shit

Why is it that whenever a roof leaks and you try to fix it, you can never and I mean never fix the damn leak? Last weekend we put a brand new fucking roof on one section of our house and the fucker is still leaking. Why God Why? We spent money we didn't have only to have it not work. What the fuck more can we do? I told my guy that once a house springs a leak you should just tear the fucker down and start over.

Well at least we know what the problem is. My guy just went up there to check out what was going on. Piss I say Piss. Friggin roof.

Have a nice day all!

Fears

This week was full of me being afraid and choosing to fight those fears head on instead of running away. To sum, what I did this week might be small but to me it was pretty huge. Let me explain.

At the moment I am looking for a job. I don't have to work, but I do because it gets me out of the house. I'm not one of those people who make a good housewife. I sit around all day on my computer or watchng T.V. Now I do have a two year old, so I do spend quite a bit of my time playing with him but still it's not the same as working. I've always had to work to support myself and now I find myself in the position that I can choose. Work or not to work, that is the question. Anyways, this post is about me and my fears.

The first one has to do with looking for a job. I think that's why the above paragraph was written. I got off the topic! Last Thursday I went on an interview. The place that I'm looking for a job has limited parking and sometimes if you lucky, they will give you a parking spot instead of having to park in a parking garage that you have to pay to use. This interview had such a spot. I was so happy, because I don't have the money to pay for parking at the moment. One problem tho--the spot was in such a place that I had to parrell park. I've never done that before and was in a state of panic because I was so afraid that I was not going to be able to put my car into that spot. I was totally freaking out and was afraid that I was going to miss my interview because there was no where I could park around the building without getting a ticket. So, what did I do? Well, I pulled forward and backwards and forwards and backwards ect... until I fit that fucker in the spot. I was so proud of myself. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it was huge. By the time I was done I had to sit there for a moment and compose myself couse I was so afraid I was going to hit the car in front or behind me.

The second fear I conquered was my fear of climbing latters and high places. Our house is falling apart around us and we have quite a few repairs that need to be done. This weekend we had to put a new roof on part of our house. I climbed the latter not once, but three times. Yes, I know I'm cool! I also went on top of our roof and stood there for several minutes. It was a nice view.

Also, this weekend coming up I may be taking part in a ghost hunt. I don't have the details yet, but it sounds like it could be cool and I've always wanted to do it. I will update all of you the hunt if I can go.

Cutie contest

I live in a house with several animals and I thought I would post pictures for everyone to see. You can vote to on which one is your favorite. I will give a little information about each animal and at the end tell you which one is my favorite.



This first picture is of princess. She is the very first guine pig that I bought for my daughter. She is brown and white and has a wonderful personality. She loves to cuddle and eat carrots out of your hand.
The second picture is of Shorty. He is all man. He's very upredictible and will bite you if you look at him the wrong way. He only stays with us part of the time because he goes with his owner over the road and visits us once every couple of weeks.
This third picture is of Paddle. He's a very loving puppy. He has breast cancer and probably won't make it another year. We are doing everything we can to keep in comfortable so that his last days are happy ones.

The fourth picture is of my Emma dog. She is a puppy who I got a few years back. Unfortunatly and yes I know I spelled that wrong, I was not able to keep her because my apratment complex would not allow me to have a big dog. I gave her to my sister, but she is still my baby. She is part Chow and part Boxer.
This fifth picture is of Oscar. He's a sweet dog but will get under your skin pretty quickly. He broke his back a few years ago and does not have use of his back two legs. So he drags himself around using his front two legs. He's very possive and barks constatly in he thinks your to close to his food bowl.
This sixth picture is of Chinga. She is a very very sweet dog that just loves to lick. It drives me nuts at times, but she's so cute. She is so fat that we call her out little football. She's not happy unless she is sitting on someones lap and will cry just like a baby. I believe she thinks she's human. She refuses to eat dog food and if for some reason she has to, she will take the piece of food into anther room to eat because she's ashamed to be eating it in the first place.
This seventh picture is of Tigger. He's the only cat in the place and is tough as nails. He's a sweet baby tho. He's not afraid of any dog except for Chinga who is the smallest of the bunch. Stories have been told of him chasing a St. Bernard into his pen and then eating his food in front of him. He takes no crap from anyone.
The eight picture is of Missippi Biting Spider. What a name huh! She's a cute little guine pig who is all white and loves to chatter in your ear.

This last picture is of Mikey. He made the trip with us from Illinois. He's a full blood poodle and is the sweetest of the bunch. You can do anything you want to this dog and he will not bite or even growl. I made sure of this because I wanted to make sure that our family pet would not hurt one of my kids. He's great with the kids and will protect them at all costs. He is of course my favorite of all these animals. He's probably the best dog I've ever owned because he is just so gental.

So, you've met my crew. I hope you've enjoyed looking at my pictures.

My saga part III

God, I had no idea this story was so darn long. So anyways, after we broke up I was left with no money to pay the bills. As I've said before, I was paying all of the bills and supporting five people. Needless to say, my extra money was used up pretty quickly and the job that I had just did not cover the bills. My guy was supposed to be sending me money, but unfortunaly it came just one day to late. See, I was evicted from my apratment. Because of this my Dad had to come from Illinois to pick me up because I had three days to get out of my apartment. So his mom shows up the day that I was leaving for Illinois and gives me three hundred bucks. If only I had gotten that two days earlier I would have never had to leave the state of Texas.

So I moved back home. My mom and dad bought a house for me and the kids to live in and I was trying to find a job to support my family. For the first four months I had no contact with my guy. We were both really pissed at each other and talking between the two of us only made matters worse. I was super pissed at him because he was not calling me to see how his son was doing and so any kind of contact between the two of us usually ended up with the two of us biting each others heads off. So one day one of his friends IMd me. They were both in the same room at the same time so I would ask him questions and my guy would answer them via his friend.

Through our friend we were able to manage to come to the decision that my guy could come to Illinois to visit the baby. I wanted this more than anyhting in the world. It really means a lot to me that my kids have their fathers in their lives. So I was only to happy to arrange the visit. The first time he came to visit was tense. We were both trying really hard to keep things pleasant and not fight. Actually it went pretty well. We didn't fight. Acutally we didn't really talk. I just kind of let him visit with the baby and stayed in the backround for the day.

So for next few months he called me almost every night. We actually started talking again instead of fighting with each other. I spent my time looking back at the last few years and making some changes in myself. I believe that I made a lot of positive changes for myself. I also made myself look at everything I had done wrong and admit that I was being a really big shit to him. I think he was doing the same thing.

Breaking up was the best thing for the both of us. We were both able to stop trying to hurt one another and realize that we loved each other. We were apart for about a year. During this time I had been trying to find a good job but no one would hire me. The only job I could find was woking full time at a gas station. The money I made was terrible. I could not pay the rent or any of my bills. I was lucky because my parents owned the house I lived in but I still had to pay the rent. They were ok with me not paying but it was understood that as soon as I found a good job I had to start paying. Only I never found that job.

So one day my guy told me that he was getting tired of driving a truck. He was tired of the commute from Illinois to Texas and wanted to start driving for a local company. He asked me to come back to Texas. He paid for the entire mvoe and I've been in Texas since November.

My Saga Part II

Ok, so where did I leave off? Oh yes, we had just started our relationship. I remember that he asked me to be his girlfriend over the web. Silly guy IM'd me. I thought that was funny as shit. For the first few months we did ok. I lived in my duplex and he lived with his mom. Ok, I know what y0ur thinking, but he's not like that. Up until about a week before I met him he lived in another town all by himself. He moved back in with her to help her fix up her house. He a handyman of sorts. He likes to build and repair stuff and let me tell you, her house needs it. Then around June of that year the lease at the place I was living was up. I could not afford to pay the rent myself, so I either had to find another place or go stay with my guy.

I decided to stay with him. He was having trouble finding a job that he liked. Before he moved here he was working with kids but there were no state run places for kids in our area. So for a while he worked at the same place I did, but they would not hire him full time and the pay sucked. So, he decided that he was going to go over the road as a truck driver. I was totally aginst this. I had lived that life once before and did not like it. In fact, I was really really agains it, but he went aginst my wishes and left. So, I decided that there was no way I was going to live with his mom without him. The two of us did not get along and I just was not going to continue to live there. So, I found my own place. This did not set to well with him, but I really didn't give a damn. He left me so I was going to do whatever I needed to do to make myself happy. We still considered ourselves a couple, but it would not stay that way for long.

About a month after he left I found out I was going to have a baby. I could not believe it. Not only did I have to live without my boyfriend now I was going to have to have a child by myself. Needless to say, I did everything I could do to make sure he was as miserable as I was. We both kind of grew apart and things were not going well. I was pissed that he was only coming home for a couple of days once every two months and so when he did come home I was so angry at him that I could not open up to him. He was trying to cope with the fact that he was away from home so he shut me out so that he didn't have to miss me. I missed him to much and he didn't miss me enough.

Three months after our son was born I finally convinced him to come back home and drive for a local company. He was not able to find a job because the company that he worked for messed up his DAC report. As long as his DAC report was screwed up he was never going to be able to find a job driving. So, he became Mr. Mom. I was ok with this as long as I was able to pay the bills, but we both new that eventually he was going to have to find a job. So, when the time came he felt his only option was to go back to the over the road company. Man was I pissed but I was willing to give it another try.

When he left for the second time things got really bad. It was right around the time that Katrina hit and he was having to take loads of dead bodies from one place to another. At the same time he dropped his cell phone in a huge puddle of water so he had no way of getting ahold of me. He didn't call me for two weeks. I was upset and worried and pretty much beside myself. I didn't know what to do. I had no idea where he was or why he was not calling me. All I knew was that I had not heard from him for awhile. His last visit home before the breakup had not been a good one. I remember him sitting on the couch and not talking much. He was not being himself. So, because his last visit was bad and he was not calling me I just figured he didn't want to talk to me.

So, fianlly he calls me and tells me that he's at his moms. He had a staff (I'm not sure if that spelled right) infection and didn't want to spread it to me or my son so he was going to stay with his mom for that visit and basically wanted us to stay away. This did not sit well with me and I told him so. Let's just say that our conversation ended with me yelling at him. He called me back later that night and broke up with me. Yea, I know. What a way to break up a two year relationship.

For part three, tune in tomorrow. Same bat channell, same bat time.